


Always Wrap It Up

by crankyoldman, venefica_aura (crankyoldman)



Category: Before Crisis: Final Fantasy VII, Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Dark Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-16
Updated: 2010-03-16
Packaged: 2017-10-08 01:04:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankyoldman/pseuds/crankyoldman, https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankyoldman/pseuds/venefica_aura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If his generation had that sense, the present wouldn't be nearly as fucked up. At least Veld wanted to believe that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Wrap It Up

**Author's Note:**

> My usual brand of ironic/cynical comedic, spawned by conversations lately, and stories spawn by conversations lately. Bitter Veld is bitter. How so much plottiness can evolve from a bad joke, I'll never know. More crack probably to come.

"One of your greatest tools is not in your holster."

Someone snickered, but Tally glared and they shut up pretty quick when she glared like that. Veld didn't even dare to _breathe_ wrong in meetings like these anymore.

"It's in your wallet, or pocket, or sock--wherever you can keep it."

She held up a pretty ordinary profilactic, and well, he did almost join the snickers. _Seriously?_ Was she trying to say they were getting around too much? It wasn't like chicks weren't on the pill.

"Beyond the obvious application, the material is good in survival situations..." she continued to outline in typical Turk Manual fashion the myriad of uses, but someone was kicking his chair.

He glanced over his shoulder quickly, because if he turned around Tally would yell at him. And he really didn't like being yelled at, being the example and all that. Of course, it was Valentine. No one else was juvenile enough to _kick his damn chair._

"Oh, so is that why you keep one in your wallet? Here I thought you were a player, Velly." He whispered it low enough for Tally not to notice. When she turned, Veld made sure to flip him off.

\---

He didn't start putting them on his desk until more Turks had to deal with the Science Department. Because that's where the crazy came from.

Veld wasn't even high ranking yet and still had to share an office, but they were right there in a ceramic bowl that Tally had bought for him because she didn't think his desk was personalized enough. But instead of putting paperclips or something as friendly as candy in it, he'd taken it upon himself to be the deterrant for irresponsible behavior where willy-nilly was concerned. And condom wrappers came in enough colors to sort of be like candy.

Well, _someone_ had to, what with the Science Department having no dress code and an sudden influx of females. Despite Tally being in charge, there were always more men in the Turks, and probably due to sheer chance (or Gast and Hojo, which was gross when he thought about it), there were always more women hanging around. And unlike the secretarial pool, they probably didn't have herpes.

What they could possibly have, though, was not worth taking a chance. And Bernie had developed a very suspicious purple rash.

"Is this a challenge or something?"

"No, and I'd rather not know how you'd intend on using up the entire bowl."

"Tease."

He couldn't help but smirk a little when he heard the distinct sound of a lock clicking in place.

\---

Valentine's gift for numbers had been useful for a couple of things, but none more than the section of the budget marked, "miscellaneous safety". How he managed to get that past accounting, Veld didn't particularly want to know.

\---

On a whim he sent a package down to the source of all the trouble. While he was certainly not a gossip, he was observant enough on some fronts, and his idiotic partner's sudden interest in all missions pertaining babysitting that department didn't escape his notice.

Of course, he didn't expect that when he came down to collect said partner for there to be an all out water balloon war happening. It didn't take him more than one guess to figure out what the 'balloons' were.

"Alright, where the hell is he."

He was answered with a smack to the face, a weak enough throw of a water balloon that it didn't break. Dr. Lucrecia 'what do you mean spike heels aren't lab appropriate' Crescent giggled from behind a lab bench.

Veld sighed.

"Seriously. The Chief is going to have both our asses if he doesn't stop horsing around and get back to the Turk floor."

"Why are you such a _drag_ Veld? You know what they say about all work and no play." Hojo said from behind some highly complicated launching device that seemed to be made out of those wooden tongue depressors.

He counted to ten before speaking. "Fine, tell his highness that if he isn't up there in ten minutes that I'm finding a replacement for the mission."

Some days he really hated his job.

\---

He put the bowl in a drawer after he found Lucrecia and Vincent in his--_their_\--office after hours one night. Why he didn't just turn on the light and throw them out, he didn't know.

Besides, it wasn't like Tally was around anymore to chide him about not having anything personal on his desk. Personal effects were just a waste of space, and it left more room for useful post-its.

\---

It turned out Cetra, or whatever Ifalna called herself to explain it when she did irrational things, didn't believe in birth control of any form. He couldn't say he was surprised at all; her views on most things were about as loose and free as he was uptight and controlling.

"It's a religious thing, isn't it. You do realize that most major religions don't believe in that because they want people to breed and have more followers?"

She gave him that look like it you gave a child when they said something horribly naive.

"That's not how it works with us. Children don't happen as often as with humans."

He was admittedly skeptical of her assertion to not being human; while she was certainly much prettier than most normal women and certainly had an uncanny sort of wisdom about things, she looked rather human to him. But he did like her, and she was honest if a bit delusional and made the couple of checks he'd been required to do on the Nibelheim situation much more pleasant than they would have been otherwise.

"That's certainly a way to get a race to die out pretty quickly."

Of course, he hadn't expected the sudden and pronounced sadness in her face and immediately regretted his usual cynical tone towards things. Veld put an arm around her and let her lean into him and kept his big mouth shut until she started speaking again.

"It's not really hopeless. Gaia tells us when it'll happen, and my time is coming."

Ifalna always made him wonder if real faith was truely that comforting.

\---

"Hey Chief, what's with the safe sex display on the desk?"

Kids these days had no sense of history.

"If you'd read the manual, Reno, you'd realize that it's one of your best defenses. Of course, from what I hear you're all hot air?"

Rude snickered, and Reno shot him a look.

"Yeah but you just seem so..."

"Conservative?"

"Something like that."

"Anyone that believes that people can keep it in their pants under the threat of divine intervention or the belief in human decency is simply naive, conservative or not."

"Ah.... gotcha. Well Rude and I were going to go for the evening..."

He waited until they were in the hall before answering. "Just make sure to wrap it up!"

If his generation had that sense, the present wouldn't be nearly as fucked up. At least Veld wanted to believe that.


End file.
